(BMG)
!!!!! AVOID !!!!!
Or, An Examination of the Progression of Mainstream Thinking Vis a Vis Hall & Oates. By Nathan Phillips.
"It really is very bizarre. I remember one of the local radio hosts doing a 'whatever happened to them' sort of thing about ten years ago and I feel like it dragged on over several days. They would have people call in and recount their H&O memories. At that point it still seemed largely ironic, at least to most involved, but it was a long time ago and I was much younger (and didn't really have much of an idea who Hall & Oates were). I could be remembering wrong. I am still largely unfamiliar with their work outside of a couple singles, but one of my friends played a best-of on a road trip once and it didn't do much for me. Some shit about 'where are the italian girls'."
That's my friend Mike giving an account -- at my prodding -- of the one-of-a-kind tale of Hall & Oates' popular appeal. I never knew of anyone who counted Hall & Oates as anything but a juggernaut of VH1 cheese until 2006, when I worked with a lady with legitimately great taste in soul music; we started discussing records regularly when she demanded to know how I knew the words to "My Cherie Amour" while I was singing it and making chicken grape salad. (Fun fact: working in food services is kind of boring.) She is the person who gave me my first compilation of Prince b-sides, specifically so I could hear the immortal "Erotic City." So when I lightly mocked "I Can't Go for That" one day as it played over the Muzak and she countered that H&O was "love makin' music," I tended to let my perception of them sit more than slightly challenged.
In my head, if Daryl Hall and John Oates qualified at all as soul music, they were whitebread. But I'd never even thought of them as anything aside from AM soft rock, what the kids now refer to as "Yacht Rock." To be honest, I kind of enjoyed "I Can't Go for That" whenever it came on, but I like lots of silly songs of the 1980s for various complicated reasons. (For instance, I like Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" because it's blessed with a video that must be one of the most uproariously funny pieces of film ever shot -- Springfield is so consumed with his crush on Jessie that he breaks a fucking mirror with his guitar.)
Some years later, Hall & Oates are everywhere. People with a keen sense of the cool and the cutting edge consider them touchstones. Pitchfork covers them. The Bird and the Bee released a stopgap album this year containing nothing but H&O covers. All their songs were in Six Days Seven Nights or 50 First Dates or whatever that movie was called. A recent poll of music industry types found the duo landing (near the bottom, but still) on a list of 100 Greatest Artists for VH1. Suddenly it's taboo to dismiss Hall & Oates as bland antique welfare cheese as was once the conventional wisdom. And I, for one, am sick of it. What the flying fuck is all this about? The American people -- the people of the world, even -- were right the first time about these boring old lame asses.
Some friends of mine who disagree with me passionately about Hall & Oates recently helped while I attempted to trace their ascendency to hipdom, but none of them would contend that they had not always loved the group. I see no reason not to believe them, but there seems to be a gleeful shared joy in some former guilty pleasure suddenly receiving legitimate acclaim. So maybe these people always loved Hall & Oates; they just only got around to admitting it once the wave of press and criticism was on their side. John Oates' own account bears this out: "We actually never really felt, especially in the ’70s and ’80s, that our music and songwriting was appreciated. I think people didn’t really realize the depth and breadth of our work." Evidently the mountains of money earned from their hit singles wasn't enough "appreciation" for Mr. Oates.
At any rate, every conclusion my friends mustered up about an origin for the Great Hall & Oates Resurgence met a dead end. The first time I ever had much of a clue about this distressing revolution came in December of 2008, when I was wandering around bars downtown in this very community with a woman I was then close friends with and secretly attempting to date, in a fit of insanity I can't really excuse. We stopped at one we both frequented; alcohol was flowing along with about four kids the unimaginative might refer to as "hipsters," pierced hipsters at that, jumping and dancing on tables, the bar, and every other flat surface as the bartender blasted from her iPod what was at first a general "1980s playlist." This, within a couple of minutes, turned into a "Hall & Oates playlist." First "Private Eyes," then "Maneater," then "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)," then whatever. And the dancing got wilder. More enthusiastic. One of the guys -- who happened to co-own the bar in question -- removed all of his clothes and jumped atop the bar. The bouncer informed me that his best friend's mom claimed to have inspired "Maneater." ("She was, like, a groupie, you know. One of 'the' groupies. The major ones!") My friend feigned unwavering enthusiasm, aided by the large quantities of alcohol she was now taking in, but in a loud moment leaned over and whispered to me -- still grinning -- "I fucking hate Hall & Oates." Which, I will confess, suddenly made me feel far less alone.
The night only got more neon crazy from that point. For one thing, the entire Hall & Oates playlist repeated twice, the naked bar-dancing continued, and only when some long-haired holdover grunge kid came in and insisted on putting a dollar in the jukebox for the dreaded bar staple "Creep" (followed by "Black Hole Sun" and, oh lordy, "November Rain") was the barkeep forced to mute her "Rich Girl"-generating device. And god bless the other denizens of the bar; they were so angry at the Radiohead creep they literally threw things at him. Mostly paper and coasters. He seemed not to notice.
The point being, this event predated most explanations I could find for the sudden explosion in H&O adulation from the Cool Kids. I suppose the Cool Kids being wrong about something is nothing new. Some of this sincerity seemed unmistakable, though. Largely because of songs that have sampled it, I have a soft spot for "I Can't Go for That" and played it while DJing exactly once, but received in return no less than five anecdotes from folks in the room about the size and quality of their collections of Hall & Oates 45's, LP's, and twelve-inches, right down to descriptions of the logos on their labels. Aside from Michael Jackson (and sorry haters, this was before he died), no artist I played generated more automatic excitement. There seems to be something there.
To be honest, some of this material is easy on the ear; in addition to the shimmering, unclunkily smooth "I Can't Go for That," the only serious fault of which is this duo's usual annoying-as-fuck stuttering vocals, there is some decidedly well-crafted pop music here in the form of the two massive hits "Private Eyes" and "Maneater," the latter blessed with a damned infectious rhythm and melody, the former overcoming a lot of irritating electric guitar and a discomforting similarity to "Kiss on My List" with genuine energy and smart, concise writing; it's possible to feel just the correct version of 1980s nostalgia rush here, whether you lived through and/or remember the decade or not. (Both Hall and Oates remain desperately unconvincing as vocalists; on even their best songs, the level of their disaffected laziness is staggering.) "She's Gone" as a recording sounds undeniably correct: technically able, untouchably polished pop music. "Rich Girl" actually toys a bit with funk minimalism in amidst its tiresome Doobie-isms. The rhythm section on most of these singles is flawless, and that makes it easier to accept how venerated they are in the music world.
But some of this -- actually, a lot of it -- sounds terrible. "Wait for Me" and "Kiss on My List" are dated embarrassments; I can't wrap my head around the modern attraction to the latter. I can't get even a modicum of pleasure from the generic production, the lazy hooks, and least of all the uninspired, annoyingly smug performances. And even the celebrated "Sara Smile" comes off to me as an amalgam of the worst tendencies in pop music of its time, and of some good tendencies gone awry -- it's too smooth, too logical, too "right": perfectly sliced American cheese readymade for Your Local Forecast. That such music could generate the kind of foot movement I witnessed that night two years ago, well, it does blow this old mind, I can tell you. Because except in "I Can't Go for That," "Maneater," and "Private Eyes," I don't hear the bouncing of rhythms here, I just hear everything disappearing into a depressingly undistinguished easy-listening sludge. This particular collection gets worse as it goes along, too, the second half filled with embarrassing fake hard-rock dickery and corny production and straight up stupid fucking songs, peaking with the incomprehensible "Method of Modern Love," which apes '70s Paul McCartney like "Maneater" apes '60s Motown, with an appropriate sacrifice of coherence and basic stability. The song features remarkably grating wailing and bopping in both channels while the title is (mostly) spelled out like we're all living in Bert and Ernie's house. Ask me for a song I hate more and the only thing I can even think of is either "Silly Love Songs" or "Let 'Em In."
Still, I can see someone getting off on "Modern Love" because it's funny/ goofy/ cornball. But all these people! They don't see it that way. It's not cornball anymore, and I understood the universe so much more when it was. When people heard these dumbasses brooding and mumbling and yelping over the Kenny G rhythm tracks and guffawed in great spirits because it's kind of hilarious and isn't life grand. When people would see the "Maneater" video come on and laugh their asses off at the ridiculousness of it. ("Are you a maneater too, Beavis? Huh huh.") I mean, tell me a Wham! revival isn't next. Please? I fucking miss those days when we all thought back on this in the same context as Oreo Big Stuf and bubble gum soda and Punky Brewster and Foofer and Walter Mondale. Remember when MTV used to run old videos with a "groan-meter?" I vividly remember H&O scoring mightily high on that thing, and somehow they were so much easier to take in that context as now-embattled former superstars, instead of goddamn Art. Or Soul, worse yet.
I begrudgingly admit that Hall & Oates had talent that did go slightly beyond marketing and accounting (they even look like guys you'd see in a Boater's World on a Saturday afternoon), but only when their music isn't headache-inducingly dull, which is when it was trendiest; to argue that these two were innovators seems disingenuous to me. At best, they were cunning followers of fresh ideas. I can't picture them inventing much of anything, but listen straight through to the first nine songs here and you can hear a progression happening, and they were able messengers of new waves in soul and rock, where they presented cool things other musicians were doing in an inoffensive Spam sandwich context safe for the grannies. God bless them.
I'm not crazy, though, right? This was all very, very different ten years ago, wasn't it? I was so much happier then. "Maneater" was not so long ago declared one of MTV's "25 Lamest Videos of All Time," which in all those legions of lame is saying something. But let's go talk to The People, shall we? In 2001, "goatsby" posted on Usenet a topic teasingly labeled "Top Albums of The '80s" that in fact opens thusly: "Well I was gunna do my top songs of the 80s but bugger it Im too drunk know to think of any but heres a list of 80s songs that I hate"; after a-Ha and just before Tears for Fear, he declares: "Hall & Oates - everything - I hate these bastages, every wedding reception there is always a poxy cover band that plays Hall & Oates. Apparentley one of them is not the full quid- hard to tell isnt it!!" Indeed. Now, in 2010, if an unsuspecting lady should dare posit on Amazon that maybe, just maybe, we remember these fuckers as more interesting than they actually were, then bam! 1 of 14 people find you helpful. Take that, bitch. (Just above her, Emily K. Nesington, whom Amazon promises is using her Real Name™, offers this cutting criticism: "Shipment was recieved at a reasonable rate. In great condition, brand new. This product consisted of 2 CD's. The first CD had great classic Hall and Oates songs but the second CD wasn't that impressive. Could have gotten the one CD and been satisfied. Description was accurate and helpful." For some baffling reason, only one person found that helpful as well.)
I suspect this is somewhat akin to the sincere movement within college-rock circles that feels that prog rock and the Grateful Dead and other unspeakable bilge were actually super-hip this whole time and the people who didn't/don't go along with it are just cynical assholes, man, who just want to hate whatever's popular! But a lot more of it can be pared down to the people you ask. Hall & Oates were always reasonably well-regarded amongst their peers, and everyone from ?uestlove to the Bird and the Bee cheerleads for them today. There's a good chance that the lion's share of people with non-ironic respect for Hall & Oates possess it because of what they'd term the technical genius of their songwriting... a distinction that falls upon them courtesy of other people who write songs, who know how difficult it is and can hear how interesting and different something like the verses in "Kiss on My List" actually are. But I don't write songs so I don't give a fuck.
I wouldn't be so angry, but c'mon. Some of this is really a little disturbing. Maneaters, rich girls, bitch girls, she who is gone, she upon whom the private eyes fall... in the narrative of the Hall & Oates repertoire, all of these female crazies are flocking around the family man like Pac-Man ghosts at an alarming rate. Sexism in popular and/or blues-based music is almost a given, sadly, but the cheerful way in which Hall & Oates deliver it is extremely tiresome, and worthy of open dismay; the endless army of whiny, needy bitches knocking on the dressing room door of these two infallible, open-hearted men who have resigned themselves to being practically magnets for hurt will always seem genuine, passionate, loving at first. Then out come the claws to rip our boys to shreds, the Black Widows who will murder them for their sperm and move on to the next all-too-willing victim. It's a songwriting tradition that stretches back to folks whose toilets Hall and Oates aren't worthy of scrubbing, Ray Charles back to Muddy Waters back to Robert Johnson back to however farther still, but the easygoing modern way they appropriated it has unfortunately opened the door for unabashed jerkasses like Ben Folds and Mark Hoppus to sell the story to legions of adoring teenage and college-age boys and girls. Surely this is where Hall & Oates' greatest level of influence lies, the joy and routine they brought to casual misogyny. God bless them, again.
It is very, very difficult to write the following without sounding like I am somehow condescending to the people who love this music, which isn't my intention by any means. I don't think I should have to offer this disclaimer, but you know how the internet is -- so this is just me, okay? But I don't understand. Not a bit. Whether the pleasure you derive is ironic or not, there is so much better music in the world, past but more importantly present, to sink your teeth into and fall in love with and enjoy, and moreover promote, because otherwise I wouldn't even bring this up, but hey -- these guys don't need your help and encouragement anymore! Their legacy's sealed. Let's celebrate pop music that doesn't come with this endless maze of caveats and baggage. By which I mean, stop bothering with the fake shit and listen to Prince. Or Bootsy Collins or something. Getting your funk/soul fix from Hall & Oates is like getting your power pop fix from The Knack or your rock & roll fix from Pat Boone. I can't offer a replacement for the soft rock injection because I don't think normal healthy human beings need one of those.
Daryl and John share inspirations with a legion of others -- it's plain that they loved a lot of the same music I love, that Prince loved, that George goddamn Clinton loved, that Peter Gabriel loved. But there seems to me something deeply and essentially cynical about their delivery of the style that set them off in such a polished, impersonal format. Their music feels bloodless, diluted, an anonymous variation on wonderful things. You can still hear those wonderful things buried in there, but not enough -- I feel as though Hall & Oates' current popularity is born out of a sort of a widespread contrarian tendency. The irony of falling back on something so simple, so easy, so basic seems automatically delightful. I feel as though that same anonymity in expression is being mistaken for universal appeal, a slippery slope indeed. Of course the more blandly vague something is, the more people it can let into its fold. But that's not what comes from the soul of someone. That's calculation. Greed, even. And frankly, it bores me. It is boring music by design, which is why it fills out Muzak playlists the world over. God bless it.
Anyway, here's the definitive statement on Hall & Oates, more eloquent than all the rambling above:
God bless them.